The store is always an adventure for us. It's almost never just a quick in-and-out trip to get a gallon of milk while the children follow obediently behind you while holding hands and humming sweetly. Oh no. It's nowhere near that.
Today we went to the store. We needed milk and bread, and I wanted to get a cake mix and frosting for the Princess' birthday. Per the norm, the second we got to the carts and saw that there weren't any with the little cars attached to the front for the kids to sit in, we had a small riot. The Princess cried, the Ninja shrieked and immediately started trying to get away from me. I set to the task of wrestling him into the shopping cart kid seat thing while explaining to the Princess that we couldn't stand out in the cold waiting for one of the car carts and we were just going to go in. After 5 minutes, the Ninja was safely buckled into the cart with the little seat belt tightened as far as I could get it, while he continued to yell and cry and scream his distaste to the general public. We went straight to the bakery to get the complimentary cookies, then spent a few minutes looking at the cakes while both kids ate their cookies. During this quiet time, the Princess impressed an elderly gentleman by saying "Excuse me" while walking around him. He came and told me that he was so impressed with her manners and was grateful that I had taught her well. This, of course, made me swell with pride as I thought "Yeah, my kids are awesome."
Shortly after this, I had to tell the Princess that she could not have a cake and donuts and cotton candy and popcorn at her birthday party, but just cake or cupcakes. She wasn't happy about this and continued to walk at a turtle's pace behind me in protest of my restrictive rules for her special day. We went to the cake aisle to see if I could perk up her spirits by letting her pick out what mix and frosting she wanted. It worked, but then the Ninja finished his cookie, and all hell broke loose. He found out that if he leans forward while trying to stand, that the seat belt will slip from around his midsection to around his thighs, then by sitting on the backrest and bending to hold onto the handle of the cart that he could maneuver his legs out as well. He did this while I was telling the princess which frosting we could and could not buy, and when I turned around I had a split second to register what was happening as the Ninja leapt across the 1 ft space from the cart and onto my chest. He mostly caught himself by grabbing my sweater, and by then I was able to grab him and avoid having him fall to the floor. I tried holding him for a few minutes while we continued shopping, but he kept throwing his large 2 year old frame to the point that I would have to put him down to grab anything. Each time I put him down, he would run down the aisle and away from me.
After the third time of him running away and me chasing him down and dragging him back, each time trying to put him back in the cart only for him to get out immediately, I decided to throw him on my shoulders. He wasn't a fan, and I spent the rest of the shopping trip holding his feet and legs around my neck with a vice like grip with one arm, while trying to put stuff in the cart with the other. Luckily, the Princess was being really good. About 2 minutes into this arrangement, the Ninja decided that it was to be a fight to the death to escape my evil clutches, and launched a full out assault on my head. He grabbed at my face and hair and pulled with all of his might while I tried to grab the last few things we needed before heading to the checkout lines. He almost got loose to climb down my back a couple of times, but I was able to weasel him back so that I could hold both feet around my neck. While loading up the groceries onto the belt, he pulled out a few more handfuls of hair out of my carefully constructed mom-bun and kept blinding me by covering up my eyes. The poor woman in front of me looked terrified, while the cashier looked astonished and highly amused as I struggled to get everything onto the belt and wrestled away a pack of Juicy Fruit from the Ninja's tiny hands. I finally get the cart unloaded and go up to the cashier while the Princess begs me from the floor to let her buy a treat and the Ninja continues his assault on my head. I apologize for the noise and proceed to pay for my goods. Of course as soon as I finish paying, the Princess insists that she will not move from her spot on the floor until I let her buy a treat, so I say "Fine, just put it up here now", but the dang Star Burst package is stuck! A good Samaritan behind me in line jumps to my rescue and gets the stuck candy out of the box so we can pay and finally get out of there.
By the time we get to my truck, my hair is sticking up and out and only half of it is in my mom-bun, I have red marks all over my face from the Ninja pulling on whatever skin he could grab, my head is throbbing, and my shoulders are exhausted and sore from carrying my giant toddler for the past 15 minutes. I wrestle the Ninja into his car seat, 3 minutes later finishing and going over to buckle in the Princess, and after quickly getting the groceries into the truck I am finally done. Free. Finished with that unholy task that is grocery shopping with toddlers. And I think to myself - how do people have more than 2 kids??? It's hard enough with one, ridiculously insane with two, I can't imagine how those women with 5-10 kids can do it! But I definitely have a respect for it! Now I'm going to go and turn on Disney Channel and veg out with the Princess while the Ninja naps.
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